And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
