Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is Oprah even human
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize