she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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