I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
