Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
