come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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