I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
