Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize