On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
