If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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