It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
