the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
