he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
