Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize