At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
