Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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