I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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