So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
