I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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