Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
