You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
