I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
