I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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