Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
