you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
