i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
