he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
