Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
