??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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