Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
