What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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