so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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