Just fell off a train. Bad.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
