well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
