Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
