The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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