Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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