He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
