the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
