I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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