I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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