I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
