i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
