I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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