the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
