Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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