Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
