You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
