I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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