we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
