i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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