I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
