So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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