I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
