he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
