I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
