and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
