my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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