The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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