My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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