Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need to calm my uterus...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
