ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize