Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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