he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
