ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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