Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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