oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
